That Could Be Me

I have a weird thing with reality shows but I think I have figured some of it out. Shows like Top Chef, Rachel Zoe and Flipping Out I just find entertaining. But there's a particular genre of reality that I am particularly drawn to and I think I understand why. Shows on messy homes from the fairly benign Clean House to Hoarders make me feel better about my own sloppy housekeeping because I am nowhere near as bad as they are and they overcome it. Biggest Loser tells me I am not THAT fat and they overcome it! Supernanny tells me I may not be the perfect mother but my kids are a million times more well-behaved than those kiddos so I must be doing something right! But after watching an episode of Hoarders where the woman had a NASTY fridge I found myself tackling my own fridge this morning. It really isn't bad, I just recently gave it a full scrub down but I had overlooked the crevice in the door seal. And I was thinking about all of this as I scrubbed. I have indulged in retail therapy, my house has been particularly bad during my bout of PPD, and I realized that I watch these people because the truth is, they're just a step away. Something keeps me from shopping when we have no money and it makes me clean before it gets to a point where CPS would step in and I have stopped myself, while not at a healthy weight, not morbidly obese either. But I'm right there, if a crisis rocked my world I could be where these people are. And I don't LIKE being this close to the edge.

Not doing so well on the "every day" part but oh well, I'm not being graded! So, in a fit of motivation inspired by "How Clean is Your House?" I decided to tackle our bathtub. Let me say I LOVE Method products, however, their tub and tile cleaner didn't even touch my tub. I sprayed it on, waited a bit and wiped and you couldn't even tell a cleaning product had been there. So I dug out the Kaboom, sprayed, waited and wiped it all away. I suppose if I cleaned before I had visible soap scum then the Method would be fine. But for any build up, it's just not tough enough. And my Kaboom is almost gone so I must travel to Target for more. Darn my luck! haha

So, I think what I want to do here, now that the kiddos are back in school, is just try to write daily. I can use this a tool to sharpen my writing skills and be a small part of the great big blogging world.

Some things I am pondering today . . . I grew up knowing something was "off" with my family. I believe that I accepted a long time ago that there was no point in trying to please my parents. I mean, I got straight A's, graduated college and got married while my brother lied, stole and mooched along and somehow he was the good kid. So, a no brainer I suppose. So here I sit today, and I get it. I get that she just doesn't like me, I get that I can't fix her and I don't believe she can fix herself. But something in me still tries to make sense of it, to understand it. I think it's time for me to stop trying. Since my parents are no longer together now I no longer have to worry about losing both of them. If my mother crosses the line, she crosses it alone and she knows that now. So, I just need to practice acceptance and practice letting her barbs hit me and fall off rather than stick.

My mother is negative and hateful, I grew up immersed in that and that too shaped me. Even though I hate the ugliness I see in her, I catch myself doing it to a lesser extent. I need to practice pushing down that negativity and not expressing it, and maybe eventually, not feeling it.

Today, I am also working on getting my home in shape. It is something I have struggled with for a long time. I've let things fall apart because I don't want to be like her. But really, the only people getting hurt are me and my family. Let's be honest, she can find a way to remark on my lousy housekeeping no matter how spotless the house is so I need to grow up and stop allowing her to dictate how I live, this is all on me now. Yep, she takes some responsibility for how I've turned out but I realize now it's up to me to fix it, to heal myself. I can stop letting her hurt me now.

I'm cleaning in 20 minute "blitzes." This is a tactic I picked up YEARS ago when I used AOL! The dinosaur age of the internet, hehe. You clean for 20, rest for 20 and repeat. It's surprising how much you can get done in 20 minutes. And it's nice not working solid non-stop. The rest periods certainly seem shorter than the work periods, though!

I need to clean the kitchen floor today. I'm going to start switching over most of my cleaners to homemade formulas. I think I will try vinegar and hot water today. And there's my timer beeping, back to work!

I really want to write more in this blog. I am not sure why i don't make the time for it. I think I am holding myself back because of WHAT I want to write about. Weight loss? Boring. My parents' divorce? What if someone we know reads it. Too personal! My guilty obsession with certain reality shows? Hmm, maybe. I don't want to just write about my life as a mom. That's a 24/7 job but I'm a little more than that, ya know? I'm ALWAYS in full-on mommy mode. I want to write about the other things in my life that matter to me or interest me. I need to work on this...

All of the brouhaha over C Jane's restaurant review has stirred up some issues I have. I was raised very conservatively. No drinking, no smoking, no cursing, no dancing, no lots of things. My father, who is less conservative than my mother allowed me to go to prom. Yes, I had to fight for the right to go to my prom. So, I grew up and left the church because for me, that was no way to live. I researched the Bible, the history of Christianity, other denominations. Intellectually, I recognize that one does not, in fact, have to be "puritanical" to serve Christ. But whether it's years of having it pounded into me or what, I don't know, I can't imagine going to church today. I imagine everyone judging me. And then I read a post like C Jane's and I see the gasps of horror and the accusations and the finger pointing. And it just confirms for me that the judgment is indeed out there. There are those who would say to me to work out my own salvation and not worry about the judgmental people. My question then becomes, OK then, why do I need church to do that? It's a circular argument that never seems to end.

Quirks

Not once, but twice today I have seen the Keep Calm poster matted in such a way that it cuts off the top of the crown. In a magazine and on a design blog. Fine, whatever, but I could NOT leave mine that way, it would have bugged the crud out of me. So I find it so fascinating that these people, who clearly have decent enough taste and style to be featured in such a manner, can live with it. But then I can be a bit messy and untidy which would probably drive those same people nuts. I guess we all have our quirks, non?

Buying Handmade

Ideally I'd love to be a normal size with plenty of disposable income and buy everything handmade - my clothes, jewelry, handbags. But for now I do what I can. So I just ordered this fabulous bag from Etsy seller retrofied.



And the coolest thing is that it's reversible! So, when I need something a little tamer I can just turn it inside out and voila!



It's gorgeous, I can't wait for it to get here!